There’s a common assumption that great, adventurous sex is a young person’s game—and with age, it fades into something boring, nonexistent, or just…not worth the effort. However, Karen Bigman, a 62-year-old certified sex educator, says sex in this stage of life isn’t just happening: It’s getting better.
Bigman tells a story of her own scandalous escapades, including doing it in restaurant bathrooms and hotel rooms. But in both her own life and her work with clients, she insists sex in this stage of life isn’t just about spontaneity.
Bodies change with age, and menopause can bring on symptoms like vaginal dryness or painful sex. Hormonal shifts can lower libido across all sexes. Energy levels fluctuate—and acting out on desires that once felt automatic may now require more effort, communication, and patience.
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According to Tammy Nelson, PhD, a 63-year-old AASECT-certified sex therapist, one of the many upsides of getting older is acquiring a kind of bluntness your younger self probably shied away from. This bluntness can help people ask for what they want in the bedroom.
Sex therapists and real people enjoying sex after 60 say that treating lube as a staple, not a backup, can make a big difference. Bigman recommends applying lube before sex and having it at the ready during sex.
Asking for what you want, point blank, is also important. Nelson says that if the sex you’re having just isn’t that great, you’re not going to want to do it. But speaking up and being honest about your desires can make a big difference.
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For some women, their 50s and 60s marked a turning point in figuring out what made them squirm—where they enjoyed being touched, what kind of stimulation worked, which fantasies excited them—all thanks to masturbation. A 64-year-old woman tells SELF that she had her first real orgasm—that she didn’t have to fake—at 61, after years of what she calls “vanilla sex,” and discovering the importance of speaking up about her desires.
With age, people can find new ways to make intimacy exciting and realistic. By focusing on in-the-moment sensations, people can keep their sex life satisfying and enjoyable.
